For those who want to try and understand me a bit

Growing up can be hard, you begin to realize the truth, and the truth well its not always fascinating but can be distressing at times. Soon enough I will be in the second last stage of my life, I will be earning and would be starting what people think is the aim of life. And not much relative time would pass by when I would retire and be ready to leave this world. Its hard to comprehend that people does not always turn out the way you wished it would. People grow up to learn things they wish they never learnt. Today I sit here and understand the world, see the pain and misery around, knowing that almost everyone is unhappy, how everyone has a problem or other learing by their side, something they can never do anything about. Sometimes what gets you through is being oblivious. The hardest thing is to admit to yourself that you are oblivious. I have known this fact for sometime now, and have made myself aware of it during several of my self studying sessions. But its not until today that I sit here to face it. Today I do not fear the world knowing it, I might just become oblivious to this fact again and would start living the way I do, but a hope would lit up inside of me, the hope that someone does read this and know how and why I am the way I am. I am  a pessimist quite contrary to what people understand me to be. I am a coward to face things in their face. I sit here with the thought of reality driving me to write this, the thought that would bury in the back of my mind when I wake up tomorrow. I would consider this some sort of disease or may be some sort of weakness on my part. The truth is though life never turns out the way you dreamt it would, but you move ahead and let go of things that have gone wrong, but me, I always kept a hope alive that they would go right, that they haven't really gone wrong but its just a dream. Maybe its because I am not what i wanted to be, maybe its because I never realized what is that i wanted to be when i was a kid. 

Maybe its somepart of me that denies that the world could be this hell of a place, that life is not a rat hole that it is, that not everyone suffers every moment of it. People find love and say they are happy but the truth is they lack something else. Someone does not have money, someone has lost someone they lived for, someone never got a chance for something they craved for, someone is not being treated right, someone is sick with an ailment, someone cannot have a child, someone is in a wrong relationship, someone doesnot have a relationship, someone cannot be in a relationship. Its always some or the other thing, and if you are not strong or if some incident in your life is too much for you to take at that stage, something that is par your mental level or capacity to handle pain at that moment you lose contact with the reality and start living a virtual life. I believe myself to be a victim of that. Its hard to say what is that made me turn this road, but something did. ,,,