Standing at crossroad of life

Today I feel a strange tug of war going on within myself. On one end stands my past and on the other end is a present that wishes to be my future. The past in which I saw all my loved one's in their purest form - my mother, my father, my brother, a best friend, my love, and the face of a would be daughter, and on the other end I see something I was always curious about but something I was always too coward, too lazy or too proud to adopt or try. But no matter what, this is something I see myself in or at least something I could have been.
On one end I have a thread trying to hold me to my ground and allow me to have no future, and on the other end is a thread that is pulling me to break all current threads and move along a future that is unchartered alone.

 It reminds me of a couplet by Ghalib -

"imaaN mujhe roke hai jo khiNche hai mujhe kufr
 ka'aba mere peeche hai kaleesa mere aage"

 Which in literal sense translates to -

 "Faith stops me, while impiety pulls me concealed
  I have my holy place behind me and someone else's holy place in front"
 
Anyone who has held any importance to relationships from the deepest corners of their heart would know how difficult it is to severe any of them and that too when neither of them are harmful to you. The only justification to severe these could be for me to move on and experience more and be more free of my cowardice and quench my thirst for this. But would it be worth it in the end? For I know there would be no coming back if I walk on this path, this is a one way road and would redefine everything and anything that I have held important in my life. It might be the path to my ultimate liberation for it would take be above the bounds of mortal attachments and emotions that come along with them. It would make me see life from a whole different perspective. But till then, it is still a question that rips be in to halves and I do not have a way to answer this question of time. So I will most probably let time answer it for myself, I wouldn't run away or towards any of the two and see to which side time lends its hand and pulls me towards.

My Favorite ghazal "dekha toh mera saaya" translation

I have always loved, for they portray emotions in a light that just makes them shine and quite so apparent yet hidden. Here is the one that I found that resounds with me in every line of it ...

dekHa to mera saaya bhi mujhse juda mila

socha to har kisi se mera sil-sila mila

sehar-e-wafa meiN ab kise ehl'-e-wafa kaheN

humse gale mila to wo hi be-wafa mila

furshaT kise thi jo meri haalaath poochchta

har shakhs apne baare meiN kuch sonchtha mila

ussne to khair apno se moda that mooh haya

maiNe ye kya kiya ke maiN gairoN se jaa mila

I know translation from one language to another can never be perfect and the work tends to lose its meaning and hence its beauty a lot - but I will still try to give it my best shot.

When I looked, my shadow separated from me I found

When I thought, a story with everyone I found

In the city of loyalty, who shall I call loyal?

Embracing me was the same disloyalty/disloyal to be found 

Who had the free time to ask for my being?

Thinking about themselves, every character was found

he/she had anyways turned his/her face away from his/her own

But what did I do? Mingling with the unknown I was found

In a kingdom under moonlight

Awake I lay silent and weary

In a kingdom under moonlight

My eyes becoming hard and teary

from the dreams and hopes unsavory 

Broken and weary my heart, still I might

stare back at the gaze of darkness

Floating on the shores of night

from my heart through crepuscule and light

Screaming back at my soul so tender

a voice that forever lingers

thou shall not deserve no more

as nature waves the wand of wonder

Sitting beside the burning ember

flapping and flickering of the torches 

Winds howling at hearts burnt timber

a silence to hold and yet all crumble 

in a kingdom under a moonless night

Kolkata Diaries - A city obsessed with God?

After spending some time in the city (3 weeks to be precise) - I feel the city and the people here are a little too much obsessed with religion. I hope the reader doesn't get me wrong, I know I am an agnostic - and I have nothing against people who hold religion/God in high regards in their life. But there has to be a limit to every habit before it can be termed as an obsession. The limit varies, but the base is that it should not interfere with the work you are supposed to do. I had noticed the plethora of make-shift worship places so one evening I thought I would count the number of such places. In my 10 min of walk - I had come across 10 such places, considering I was just counting the places on my side of the road that is way too much. If you have a temple every 10 steps that does speak for itself. But then I thought maybe its just the area I am living in - Today I had a chance to visit an old Kolkata market (Bara Bazaar) and I saw pretty much the same thing. We had to cross some muslim area's and then into the market area - Every corner I was able to find a mosque or a temple. Apart from this, I have noticed the families around going for small things that they believe they would benefit from - for eg. scattering food for the pigeons every day, feeding the cow etc. Considering the time one would spend on a regular basis over these activities - (thinking from a practical point of view) can most definitely be utilized elsewhere. The city progresses if the people progress, a stubborn attitude causes the society to be stagnant and with a little help of our old friend entropy causes it to move backward.

Kolkata Diaries- A city stuck in time?

To be honest, I was never really interested in visiting Kolkata - at least after all the stories of the city that I had come across. Then in the past 2-3 years, I thought the only time I would come to Kolkata would be for a reason that I wouldn't mention in this blog. But life takes us down alleys that we dare not imagine and the reason I wanted to come to Kolkata was probably to understand more about Bengali's and what makes Kolkata so special to them. Moreover, I wanted to get over a fear and move on with my life.

My first impression of the city is simply of a one that has been stuck in time, the city reminds me of what Delhi used to have been around 15/20 years back - The city has not evolved or rather people have decided to not evolve. Probably the reason, Delhi/Mumbai moved ahead was because of the brands coming into the city, taking away the small vendors and the pretentious nature of the people. People in Delhi would now feel ridiculed going to a small road side vendor and would rather go to a big shop. This is a complete opposite of what I saw here in Kolkata, but that does not mean that nature was any better - The nature can best be described as that of an adamant senile person - who think that any change is bad and hence just don't want to do anything with it.

It's hard to say how much of it can be attributed to the government or just to the basic nature of people here, since a change has to be brought about by the people and hence supported by the government. This has been my first impression of the city - I will continue to add more as I see/witness more :)

Coming back to India

This is a long overdue post, but I guess that should have been expected considering how busy India tends to keep you. 

Its been a little more than a month that I uprooted my life in US and decided to come back to India for good. I wouldn't delve into the details of why I took that decision for that is irrelevant to this post for sure. Landing in New Delhi on 1st Oct 2012, the first reaction that I felt was - Finally ... back to where it all once started. 10 minutes into the airport the old familiar feeling of frustration had kicked in, the old habits of trying to rush was back. A friend of mine recently wrote how some things never change and some things change - the surprise was to hit me pretty soon. Over the next few days it was pretty apparent, India had not changed - the same old electricity cuts, water cuts, people lacking basic civic sense, absolute absence of driving sense. But as I said some things do change - the cost of living. I for the first time felt like a foreigner in my own country when I could not estimate the correct price of any thing. The price rise had taken me in for a big sad surprise, I could no longer tell when was I being ripped off and when was I getting the correct price. Driving in US had left me nervous about driving in India and I knew that I would definitely need some practice before I could get in the groove again. 

But well soon enough I was definitely back in the groove, settling down nicely - except the price rise piece ( to be honest I am still grappling with that one). This is when I had a chance to study the change in people and their behavior. It is a sad site for sure - people have started to take what they get as granted and be disgruntled that they are not getting enough. The later I can understand since the salaries have not matched the commodity price hikes, but the former has been brought down by the government and their policies. This is where we have to divide the masses into the age old economic groups of - poor, middle class and the rich. The poor, or I would most definitely include the reserved classes owing to their status have beginning to demand even when they have not earned it. A simple example - I went to a shopping store where the guy who was at the billing counter was most definitely not happy with his job, his job was to pack the items in a bag - (note: I did not ask him to - I was more than willing to do that myself). But the way he was packing was absolutely moronic, putting the butter (the smallest item) in first and putting the chips pack on top of it and then finally putting the glass ketchup bottle on top (just so that it was about to fall off). It was quite apparent he had no idea how to do that job, but at the same time he was expecting to be paid more for that job and felt that the job was beneath him - A job which he is not able to do well enough too. 

The reservation has given the reserved class opportunities to grab govt. jobs and sit as 'babus'. The first order of work they do is to act as Gods and decide who to serve and who to harass owing to their position. In the end, the high class does not get affected nor the poor but the middle class has one more thing to deal with now. 

Looking at my own locality, I couldn't at times help but feel as if there was a zombie apocalypse in recent past and the city has been left in the wake of it. The infrastructure if at best has been at a stand still for nearly 9 years now. Life still continues for the residents, they are neither happy nor sad around the affairs - simply because they have no time to feel anything. It is as if they have made a deal with their fate and are now just passing time and dealing every minute as it comes. 

I know my thoughts are a lot scrambled as of now (just like everything else in my life) but it definitely makes one think and creates in me a desire to do something. But with so many problems, the question that vaunts the answer is "Where to start, which problem to deal with first?" In all this madness, I just wish that I never adopt the moto of the scores of Indians "Chalta hai - translated best as "as long as it works its fine" " the laid back, casual attitude is perhaps one of the biggest reasons why the politicians are able to push the public into a deeper darker hole and what has killed in Indians the drive to lead a better life.   

Children of Doom

Once upon an eerie night
with the moon bright and shine
a darkness descrated a shrine
You who prayed, shall now wallow
for the hearts of cursed are shallow
A little hope that burnt all dreams
lies was all that you have seen
a burning heart, a seering pain
teary eyes but all are vain
For we are the children of doom
never for us there is a boon

The light we fear, by sun we shudder
tremble we as butterflies flutter
To alone do we mutter
Standing over these sands of time
watching life hate us by
A wailing weep through these lips
a guilt that makes heart rip
A lonely road do we walk
to us this life doesnt talk
For are we the childer of doom?
never for us there is a boon?